He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
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