i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
