In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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