I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
