The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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