I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
