I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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