The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
You work out of a Hotel?
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
This baby is an asshole
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
