I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
