I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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