I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
