And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
well, you know. whores of a feather.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
