I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
