i always forget guys have bellybuttons
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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