i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
