my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
