HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Randomize
