why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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