I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
