wanna go halves on a baby?
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
