On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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