i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
