So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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