I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
