dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
