I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
