Betty ford says i'm here all night
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
