drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
