Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
