I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
