Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Every concussion has its silver lining
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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