its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
