Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
