and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
