I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
