WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
