We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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