I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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