he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
