two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
