I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
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