Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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