last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
