So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
