apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
