I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
i've created a new STD.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
