Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
