and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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