is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
