so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
