my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
