I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
