Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
